Multiverse

I love Marvel movies because of the idea of a multiverse. (I still don’t understand the hate towards Ant-Man and The Wasp: Quantumania. I have written a full page explanation and future expectations of the movie on Reddit. In my head.) It gives me hope that somewhere in another universe, there’s a version of me who loves everything about her life. Maybe she doesn’t have scleroderma, and she wakes up each morning feeling healthy, does her quiet time, and checks Twitter to see what’s trending. In that universe, she wakes up early to walk her dog with her partner, or takes a leisurely stroll with her baby in an expensive stroller. She’s an active gym-goer who even teaches Pilates classes.

In another universe, I dream of being stylish and always fashionably late, yet loved by everyone. I have a job I love, attend company retreats, and have filled up all the pages in my passport, eagerly waiting for a new one.

These daydreams may seem like a coping mechanism, but they put me in a good mood. I often wonder if it’s what being positively psychotic feels like. It would be amazing to live in a world where people don’t feel sad or pity for me. A place where people challenge me and see me as a successful, accomplished person. Maybe I could even meet Kang and give him a change of heart.

I don’t have anyone who relies on me or comes to me for emotional support. Some days, I feel exhausted and struggle to even leave my bed, resulting in cancelling plans my mother or my only friend Susan may have made. I am aware of Susan’s close friends, even though she doesn’t post much on Instagram. I often see the fun and exciting things happening in their lives through Tori’s stories. I wish Susan could talk to me without the reminder of my illness.

I’m tired of watching movies, but they’re the only thing that keeps me sane. When my fingers allow it, I create playlists on Spotify. Sometimes, I even get up and move rhythmically to imagine myself as a contestant on Dance Monsters.

Even though my life seems bleak right now, I’m forever grateful for the possibility of a multiverse. In another universe, I can see myself riding a bike and laughing into the sunset. It’s a thought that brings me comfort and gratitude.